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My laundry baskets piled high with an assortment of tiny outfits for my tiny man. The daunting task is already complicated by the fact that I have to force ably retire some of his clothing to make room for more. When did he get so many pairs of pants?. I find it difficult to narrow it down despite how tight his 6 month clothing is on his tiny 10 month old body. I justify that as long as they still button, it still fits.

My work is side lined by the tell tale fussing and tugging at my leg. Its 9:30pm, an hour before I need to go to bed and I'm pinned against his changing table, nursing an easily distracted infant. Despite the inconvenience I try to cherish this brief moment. In just two short months I'll be nursing a toddler. In two short months, my 10 month old will be a 1 year old. I scoffed when my mother in law mentioned how quickly it all goes by. In my sleep deprived, naive mind I shouted back, "This maddness will last forever!". So now here I sit, and I wonder when my tiny 6 pound, 4 ounce baby grew into a handsome 18 pound boy. It all flew by so fast and my only regret was not cherishing those veggie baby days. "I can't wait until he can entertain himself" I thought. Now all I think of is "I can't wait till he sits still." I no longer have a veggie baby.

I'm finally released some 20 minutes later and finish folding the tsunami of clothes that had taken over my son's room. I remember the days of feeling him bouncing around in my belly, every new kick and roll. How tiny he was when I first held him and the surreal sensation of seeing him for the first time. How fragile he was. I pull out 12-24 month socks and try them on his feet. They fit nearly perfectly. When did your feet get so big? I try a second set marked toddler socks. Just a touch too big. At least for now, for this small window of time, he'll stay my little man until he can fit into them. He'll stay my little baby just a little bit longer.
My Baby
Some thoughts while sorting old baby clothing..
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  • Mood: Sadness
So things have been less than stellar....

Since my last post, I've had my son. I've also lost my job.

And under less that ideal circumstances. In short, I need some help with keeping up with my hospital bills as well as my own debt. Most of the story can be seen at my GoFund me:

HELP ME PAY MY HOSPITAL BILLS

I would greatly appreciate any help. I'm also open to commissions as well.

-------------------------------------------------------
Bullet; BlueETSY: craftbinsac.etsy.com 
Bullet; BlueFACEBOOK: www.facebook.com/thecraftbin
POSITIVE Part 1

A pregnancy can bring a lot of different emotions. For some its relief of  a dream becoming a reality, fear, excitement, anger, nervousness. Everyone handles it differently and everyone's pregnancy is different. Through the whole vomit filled, hormonal mess that is pregnancy, there is a woman going through it. They are told often directly or indirectly that they should be feeling someway, be someway, act someway in regards to having their baby and being a mother. That it should be every woman's dream to mother a baby. But the truth is much more complicated than that. Not everyone is initally excited at the idea of becoming a mother. Whether it be outside influences, family, life problems or what have you. Its not always excitement. Sometimes its just fear.

When I was growing up, I was never the little girl that “dreamed” of having a family one day. I once asked my good friend if she had dreamed of a large family since girlhood, and she said with confidence that she had. I couldn't relate, as I never had. Its not like I didn't play house or anything with my barbies. Well, sort of. I played with them, but it was more  or less a “oh no! Barbie is stuck in a giant spider web! Someone save her from the evil spider monster”. I played with animal figures, stuffed animals, mud, dirt, cars, video games. I had a pet rat that I would climb trees with, I played Aliens with the neighborhood kids. In short, I was a tom boy and wasn't afraid to show it. However, in a way this sort of isolated me. Growing up I was teased incessantly at school and had little to no real friends. At home, I had no safe haven as my brother continued the teasing calling me Fat and stupid. As a result,  my self confidence was not the best, I was nervous, anxious, felt like everything was my fault and well was generally a mixed up mess. As I grew into my teen years, I began to think of what most girls think of, boys, romance etc. I feel into anime and manga that featured ideal romances, although a bit fake in reality of what a man and romance really were. I knew I wanted someone to share my life with and then of course kids, however for me it wasn't a maternal desire to reproduce or to have a family. It me it was what married couples did. They got married and had children.  I knew I wanted to have kids, it just wasn't something I dreamed about. A lot of my hesitation stemmed from the fact that I had a very difficult relationship with my mother and well with myself.  I had a toxic internal dialogue that took over everything and never was quiet. I felt like there was never any peace in my own head, just noise and chaos every waking moment. I constantly criticize everything I did and said in my own head. I was my own worse enemy. I was also often taken advantage of, used, and dumped quickly by people I thought were my friends and thought I could trust.  My mother, along with my brother, had a difficult relationship with me as I was often made to feel like the blame. I suffered much emotional abuse at home that I never realized was abuse and toxic until I came into adult hood and began to see a counselor.

In college I met my now husband Greg. We had seen each other in classes before and finally ended up next to each other in an animation class. Our relationship progressed quickly and I knew what I wanted and so did he. We got engaged after 6 months and married after being together for a year.  I knew I loved him and I thought that this would complete me and I would be happy. While I was for a time, I still felt...incomplete. Unhappy in someway with myself, like I had some sort of hole inside. As the years past, I continued to have problems with my mother and brother. My husband hated the way that I was treated, hated the way they made me react and how I wouldn't stand up for myself. I constantly was the one apologizing, taking the blame even if it wasn't my fault and playing peace maker. Eventually I had a falling out with a very good friend of 10 years. Despite all the problems, I had thought for sure she would be there for me, and without much explanation she left me to wonder where I had gone wrong in our friendship. At the time I had a falling out with my mother yet again and with all the stress it spilt into my job situation. I moved from one job to another and still found myself struggling if not worse. I remember the day it happened, the day I hit rock bottom. I was sitting in my car, feeling grimey and absolutely miserable. I had a sticky note of a counseling office that did a sliding scale so I could afford it. I finally called and it was the best decision I ever made.
Positive Part 1
Trying to get this done before the baby gets here. For a while I've been wanting to do this write up regarding my pregnancy and the feelings and thoughts going through it. I'm hoping it will help someone who may not feel 100% confident about becoming pregnant or have reservations about becoming a mother.

I don't pretend to have it 100% down. But I know I've gone through alot emotionally and mentally since starting my counseling thats helped me move forward and I'm hoping it will help some else.
Loading...
  • Mood: Sadness
So things have been less than stellar....

Since my last post, I've had my son. I've also lost my job.

And under less that ideal circumstances. In short, I need some help with keeping up with my hospital bills as well as my own debt. Most of the story can be seen at my GoFund me:

HELP ME PAY MY HOSPITAL BILLS

I would greatly appreciate any help. I'm also open to commissions as well.

-------------------------------------------------------
Bullet; BlueETSY: craftbinsac.etsy.com 
Bullet; BlueFACEBOOK: www.facebook.com/thecraftbin

deviantID

ShinseiKatai
Katai
Artist | Professional | Digital Art
United States
Current Residence: Sacramento
Favourite style of art: Disney, some anime, my little pony, realism, minor impressionism, surrealism
Operating System: Windows Vista
Shell of choice: Nutshell yo!
Interests

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Comments


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:iconjaywelch61:
jaywelch61 Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
Hey Kat, been about 10 years, but I'm BAAAAAACK!  How's kicks?
Reply
:iconshinseikatai:
ShinseiKatai Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
I'm sorry to say but my memory is fuzzy, do I know you from online?
Reply
:iconspartanb214:
SpartanB214 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the watch! :hug:
Reply
:iconleekfish:
LeekFish Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Student Digital Artist
OH MY GOODNESS WHY WAS I NOT FOLLOWING/WATCHING YOU.

I AM FIXING THIS IMMEDIATELY.
Reply
:iconshinseikatai:
ShinseiKatai Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
LOL. Because you very obviously DON'T LOVE ME! T_T

OH wait...no...I suck to...I'm not watching you either XD!!! I fix I fix...
Reply
:iconarofatamahn:
ArofaTamahn Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Many thanks for the watch!
Reply
:iconsomadjinn:
somadjinn Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2012  Professional Photographer
Thanks again for faving :)
Reply
:iconbull53y3:
Bull53Y3 Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2012
Thank you for your :+fav:
Reply
:iconaramisdream:
Aramisdream Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Professional General Artist
:sun: Hi! :la: Double Thanks for double :+fav:! :sun:
Reply
:iconshinseikatai:
ShinseiKatai Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
oh your welcome! =p
Reply
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