Positive Part 1

POSITIVE Part 1

A pregnancy can bring a lot of different emotions. For some its relief of  a dream becoming a reality, fear, excitement, anger, nervousness. Everyone handles it differently and everyone's pregnancy is different. Through the whole vomit filled, hormonal mess that is pregnancy, there is a woman going through it. They are told often directly or indirectly that they should be feeling someway, be someway, act someway in regards to having their baby and being a mother. That it should be every woman's dream to mother a baby. But the truth is much more complicated than that. Not everyone is initally excited at the idea of becoming a mother. Whether it be outside influences, family, life problems or what have you. Its not always excitement. Sometimes its just fear.

When I was growing up, I was never the little girl that “dreamed” of having a family one day. I once asked my good friend if she had dreamed of a large family since girlhood, and she said with confidence that she had. I couldn't relate, as I never had. Its not like I didn't play house or anything with my barbies. Well, sort of. I played with them, but it was more  or less a “oh no! Barbie is stuck in a giant spider web! Someone save her from the evil spider monster”. I played with animal figures, stuffed animals, mud, dirt, cars, video games. I had a pet rat that I would climb trees with, I played Aliens with the neighborhood kids. In short, I was a tom boy and wasn't afraid to show it. However, in a way this sort of isolated me. Growing up I was teased incessantly at school and had little to no real friends. At home, I had no safe haven as my brother continued the teasing calling me Fat and stupid. As a result,  my self confidence was not the best, I was nervous, anxious, felt like everything was my fault and well was generally a mixed up mess. As I grew into my teen years, I began to think of what most girls think of, boys, romance etc. I feel into anime and manga that featured ideal romances, although a bit fake in reality of what a man and romance really were. I knew I wanted someone to share my life with and then of course kids, however for me it wasn't a maternal desire to reproduce or to have a family. It me it was what married couples did. They got married and had children.  I knew I wanted to have kids, it just wasn't something I dreamed about. A lot of my hesitation stemmed from the fact that I had a very difficult relationship with my mother and well with myself.  I had a toxic internal dialogue that took over everything and never was quiet. I felt like there was never any peace in my own head, just noise and chaos every waking moment. I constantly criticize everything I did and said in my own head. I was my own worse enemy. I was also often taken advantage of, used, and dumped quickly by people I thought were my friends and thought I could trust.  My mother, along with my brother, had a difficult relationship with me as I was often made to feel like the blame. I suffered much emotional abuse at home that I never realized was abuse and toxic until I came into adult hood and began to see a counselor.

In college I met my now husband Greg. We had seen each other in classes before and finally ended up next to each other in an animation class. Our relationship progressed quickly and I knew what I wanted and so did he. We got engaged after 6 months and married after being together for a year.  I knew I loved him and I thought that this would complete me and I would be happy. While I was for a time, I still felt...incomplete. Unhappy in someway with myself, like I had some sort of hole inside. As the years past, I continued to have problems with my mother and brother. My husband hated the way that I was treated, hated the way they made me react and how I wouldn't stand up for myself. I constantly was the one apologizing, taking the blame even if it wasn't my fault and playing peace maker. Eventually I had a falling out with a very good friend of 10 years. Despite all the problems, I had thought for sure she would be there for me, and without much explanation she left me to wonder where I had gone wrong in our friendship. At the time I had a falling out with my mother yet again and with all the stress it spilt into my job situation. I moved from one job to another and still found myself struggling if not worse. I remember the day it happened, the day I hit rock bottom. I was sitting in my car, feeling grimey and absolutely miserable. I had a sticky note of a counseling office that did a sliding scale so I could afford it. I finally called and it was the best decision I ever made.